I’m turning 30 today.
I still don’t really know anything.
Let me tell you about some of the many things I don’t know:
- Who I am.
I recently took a Myers Briggs test to see what my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is after all these years… and I assumed I’d get ENFJ. That’s what I got a couple years ago… and I really identify with it.
It’s all about empathy, it’s about caring deeply about the needs of others and trying to make others as great as they can be. My first ever Myers Briggs test told me I was an INFJ… and that rang true. (An “I” stands for introverted. And over time I got a bit more “E”xtroverted as I got more confident in who I was. Read: came out of the closet.)
This time… I got ESFP.
I had to read up on what that even meant.
Apparently I’m an “Entertainer?” Apparently I’m spontaneous and impulse prone?
I still empathize with others (the “F” in this test), but evidently I care more about entertaining them, than curing all things wrong with them and the world.
Apparently I’m also more concerned with aesthetics and less concerned with my financial situation. I just want friends to be entertained and there’s no greater joy for me than just having a good time with a group of friends.
All these things ring true with how I’ve been living the past while. (I literally wrote this a couple weeks ago about a party I’m throwing myself: “I just want to hang out with a bunch of great people and have a fun night.”)
It really blew my mind that I’d jumped to such a different personality indicator… but alas… I have changed. I’m different. Apparently my personal identity is not an immovable foundation, but more of a waypoint along my varied and unknowing journey through life.
- What’s next.
As I’ve indicated in my previous post, I’m pretty much just happy to be alive!
I’ve become pretty open to whatever life has for me. I’m open to new, uncomfortable, and different. I honestly cannot answer the quintessential interview questions: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 Years?” All I’ve learned is I really don’t know the answers.
I can make a guess. I’ll probably just keep working and living for a couple years, and then change everything up. And then repeat the same process every couple years.
It keeps working for me, and I’m happy. So is that a valid answer?
- If I want kids or a husband.
Fairly soon after people find out I’m gay, I usually get one of these questions.
I don’t know the answer.
I’ve had one real relationship, and it taught me so much and is the most valuable investment of my time I’ve ever had, but I still really don’t know if moving a serious relationship to a fully committed one is right for me. I might be too damn flighty for another person to ever really be happy with me, and for me to ever really be happy with another person.
As for kids, that’s such a complicated question. I wish it weren’t, but our society has made it so. I go back and forth on this one.
I just had a great conversation with my mom, (Aside: almost anyone that has met her will tell you she’s an amazing human) and afterward I reflected on how many lives she is responsible for, and how incredible her continuing guidance and participation in those lives has been. She has done such impressive things for a group of outstanding people. I don’t know if I could really provide that to one kid and a husband, let alone 5 kids, a great (and greatly demanding) husband, and now fourteen grandchildren! She’s my hero, but I still really don’t know if I’m cut out for becoming half the parent/grandparent she is.
- What’s really most important for happiness.
I’ll always think I have the key to a happy life figured out… and admittedly this blog has read quite repetitively (so maybe a few themes here are legit), but I don’t really know. I can only tell you what has seemed to work for me and others around me. That’s all.
I just hope to be helpful to others!
- The purpose of this blog.
Evidently from my Myers Briggs results, I just want you all to read this, be entertained by this, make me feel validated after you’ve read this, and hopefully glean some helpful tidbit.
I’ll just keep not really knowing what’s going on and relating to you my impressions of what’s important for happiness related to all this confusing stuff that goes on in life, which is enigmatic in what exactly it encompasses.
Does that make sense?
Are you not entertained? 😉 😀 😛